Friday, July 26, 2013

Confessions of a Hypochondriac



I've never been diagnosed, but the sadistic part of me just feels more justified in my self labeling as a hypochondriac in that it hasn't come from a doctor. Let's be honest here: everyone has felt their leg do a weird twitch-thing, and thought to themselves curiously, "hmmm... That was different," and, thanks to the magnificent inventions of Google, the Internet, and handy-dandy smartphones, we have all of the knowledge of the world's doctors at our fingertips.

(Just me?) 

Except instead of finding real doctors, we find Yahoo! Answers, and medical forums from like minded hypochondriacs. One thing leads to another, and well...

It's cancer.

There's no other possibility. Clearly you are dying slowly of some undiagnosed disorder that your doctor won't even consider, but YOU KNOW because you Googled and that one lady five years ago said her grandmother had the SAME THING happen to her, and she died two months later from cancer. 

Let's ignore the fact that I drink about 3 cups of coffee a day with more sugar than is strictly recommended, sometimes skip breakfast altogether, call a mozzarella cheese-stick and a piece of toast a balanced lunch, and wash down four slices of pizza at night with a glass of Country Time Lemonade and touch too much of Tequila. 

No, that leg twitch had nothing to do with my potassium levels. It's clearly cancer.

Another job well done, Dr. Google. 

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