Now, the old timers out there might chalk it up to our newlywed status, and that might be part of it. But at the same time, reviewing what was talked about in the sermon today, I think keeping this mindset is what will set my marriage apart. I'm not bold enough to say that my marriage will be perfect; I know already, after only six months, that my marriage is not perfect. I curse at Brian, point out his flaws to others as a way to make myself look like the better partner. I am terrible at taking my stress out on him, on changing my opinion and arguing when Brian is rightfully confused. I wait too long to do laundry or the dishes. I prefer to take naps on the couch instead of going for a walk with the dogs. I am an imperfect partner.
But so is Brian. I won't go into all of his transgressions in our marriage, but they are there. There have been times when I have looked him in the eyes and told him that I didn't like him. And that was the truth. I didn't like his behavior, the person that he was being at that moment.
But I have never stopped loving him.
That morning in May on our wedding day, I woke up at 6am after only a few hours of sleep. I sat on the window seat in the hotel room, beer bottles and clothes thrown around the room from the night before with my friends, everyone still sound asleep from the night of laughing, and I watched the sun rise through the clouds. I remember praying to God, Lord, I know that he is the man that you mean for me to be with. I know that you have sent him into my life to guide me, push me, and to make me a better person. But this knowledge doesn't come without fear; fear of rejection, of failure. God, all I'm asking is that you bless our marriage. Let us come together knowing that as long as You are the center, we cannot fail.
I have never been so scared in my life as I was on my wedding day. And I think that I was supposed to be afraid on that day. I was confident in my decision. Brian is a wonderful man who I trusted to wholly to guide myself and our future family. But I was afraid. I know that was God breaking half of my heart, reminding me that from that day forward, I was no longer whole. And that was terrifying.
"For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24
That moment in that hotel room, God was preparing me for the covenant that I was about to enter into. He broke off a piece of my heart, and for those few hours before I was officially Mrs. Farmer, I was half of myself.
I remember, as I sat in the chair fixing my makeup and hair, saying to my friends, "Guys. I'm getting married," like it was the first time that I realized it. It probably was the first time that I had really realized what I was doing. Brian and I had lived together for a year before that, and I had thought that I already felt married and was just lacking the paper to prove it. I had cried the night before in an emotional outburst about how much I loved him and needed him in my life.
"Wow," Christy said, kind of shocked. "You really love this guy."
I don't remember the ceremony really. I remember laughing at Brian as he blubbered like a baby, but beyond that, I was actually surprised when it was over. I thought I had missed something. Weren't we supposed to do the traditional vows? I whispered to Brian. I don't remember saying 'I do'.
It didn't really sink in that I was married for the rest of the day. Having Brian's heart replacing mine was too new; I didn't have time to recognize it. I didn't really realize it on our honeymoon, or even once we got home.
I didn't realize that even then, God had sewn our hearts together perfectly, making us a part of one another, lost and incomplete without the other there.
Now, I don't need Brian there for me every second of the day. In fact, I'd probably go insane and bite his head off if he was always there, as much as I love him. I don't need him there to pick out my clothes for the day, or to go to work. I don't need him to go to class, or to put gas in my car. I can function without him. But I am not whole without him.
My friends who are not married don't understand this concept, not really. I've been asked by the young adults at church why I don't come to get togethers without Brian. You don't need him to come, they reassure me. It's not their fault that they don't understand how isolated and lost you feel when half of you is missing, even when you are surrounded by others. And that's okay.
"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'" Genesis 2:18
My marriage is not about me. Nor is it about Brian. We have to work at it, everyday. I have remind myself to guard my tongue before I speak, because the thoughtless barbs and insults that I throw at him when I tease him, and he to me, might one day make us believe that that's what our partner really thinks.
I have to remind myself, when Brian leaves his dirty socks balled up and scattered all over the house, and has to keep the bathroom door shut with the heater turned on in the middle of July when he takes a shower, that the little things aren't worth arguing about. In the grand scheme, they are insignificant tidbits that I will one day look back on and laugh about fondly as I remember the early days of our marriage and our life together.
"For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior...Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church." Ephesians 5:23-29
What I keep in my thoughts everyday, is that God has given me someone to lead me. I may not agree with his decisions all the time, but they are his to make regarding the welfare of our family. I am to submit to my husband. I can very well plead my case against that decision. I can talk to him about my own opinions so that he has more than one perspective, but ultimately, the decision is his. And he knows that while the decision is his, that responsibility to guide our family, knowing that his decisions carry long term impacts on our lives, makes him really think about those decisions. It is because he takes it so seriously that I am able to submit to him without hesitation.
We all know the famous Bible Verse about love, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
I'm here to tell you that Paul was really speaking about the love of God. He was not talking about the love between man and wife, as much as we apply it towards that. The love that I know with my husband, the love that God put into my heart for him only partially agrees with this. Love is impatient. It rushes, makes faulty decisions. Love is mean. It is painful, spiteful, vulnerable. Love is jealous. It does boast. When you are in love, you want to share it with everyone. Your love is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever. Love is most definitely proud, even in the negative connotation. We are prideful in our love to a fault--we think that nothing can break it.
Maybe that's the difference between the love of God and the love between humans. Our love is full of sins--in the sense that it goes against God to be jealous, or proud--but that love is so powerful. The hand of God is in every aspect of my imperfect love, my imperfect marriage, and that is what gives me the confidence that Brian and I will beat the odds. I know in my soul that I will love this man desperately with all that is left of me until the day that I take my last breath and hold hands with him in Heaven.
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